Following on the dream I once had in which George W Bush was not a politician but had a funny Tex-Mex cooking show, I realized that, for whatever reason, it’s easy to slot politicians into food shows. Especially if they’re politicians I don’t like.
Food shows which I am convinced would really work, and not just ironically:
George W Bush gets a Tex-Mex show where everything he makes is about hot sauce and high-flame grilling.
Hillary Clinton runs a Michelin three-diamond restaurant in France, but not as chef – as owner. I see her firing lots of cooks and busting on sellers in the Saxe-Breteuil market.
Obama is a ruthless food critic. He can drop one review from high above and destroy an incipient new genre of restaurant. (“These new Appalachian-style ramen bars are misconceived from the ground up…”)
Bernie Sanders is the co-host, with Michael Pollan, of The New Sustainable Frugal Gourmet. He and Pollan spend as much time in the fields worrying about conditions for farmers and chickens as they do cooking a moroccan-inflected lentil bolognese.
Trump, with Gary Null, does late-night infomercials about virility-enhancing dietary supplements and the Quantum Diamond Food Wand (‘made with real diamond chips’).
John Kerry is the Brahmin Pepperpot: Exploring New England Cuisines, next on PBS.
Cruz is harder, but I think I see him in a new Victory Garden, raving about aphids on his prizewinning vegetable marrows.
John Kasich is a competitive eater with records in Hot Dogs, Blueberry Pie, and Hoagies.
Sarah Palin is just a one-for-one trade with Rachel Ray. Don’t forget the garbage bowl.
“Fried Force One: Bill Clinton and Diamond Joe Biden Tour America’s Burger Griddles, BBQ Pits, Crab Shacks, and Titty Bars.” On late, after the watershed.